Update.

We have talked and now ended things on better terms. We’ve agreed to keep in contact by e-mail. He has left for Denmark.

My hopes are he will come back to me one day (metaphorically), when we are both in a better place/time in our lives. Is that foolish?

I am comforted knowing I can still contact him. That he is still somehow part of my life.

But it hurts knowing he is not mine anymore. I do not have the right to be hurt if he finds someone else, whether romantic or just sexual.

I am sorry to everyone who messaged. I can’t reply yet. I have no energy or motivation to. PLEASE KNOW I appreciate all your messages and advice. They help cheer me up in some way, even if I can’t reply to them yet.

Some Things You Could Do To Heal Yourself:

Don’t kiss the boy with no bicycle. 
Don’t kiss the girl with moon lips. 
Don’t kiss wild animals
or hand grenades. 
You fuck for the same reasons 
lost men drink. 
Stop. 

Don’t spend another day
mourning the smell of his shampoo.

You silly little girl,
you think you’ve survived so long
survival shouldn’t hurt anymore.
You keep trying to turn
your body bulletproof. 
You keep trying to turn your heart into 
a bomb shelter. Stop, darling. 
You are soft and alive. You bruise 
and heal. Cherish it. 
It is what you are born to do. 

It will not be beautiful but the truth
never is. Come now,
you promised yourself. 
You promised yourself 
you’d live through this. 

(Source: koalaprincess, via clementinevonradics)

You can be amazing if you want to.

(Source: surfandwrite)

Unlearn him.

Flush his memories down the toilet.

Forget the words he taught you in his language.

Scrape your tongue, spit out his name, and never put it in again.

Shower off how he touched your skin, only your skin, and never your soul.

UNLEARN HIM.

(Source: surfandwrite)

Tricks for sleeping? It is 7am and I am sooooo tired but I can’t fall asleep

And the boy who loves you the wrong way is filthy.
And the boy who loves you the wrong way keeps weakening.
You thought if you handed over your body
he’d do something interesting.

- Richard Siken, “A Primer for Small Weird Loves” (via five—a—day)

(via well-become-silhouettes)

spilling-ink-into-chaos:

spilling-ink-into-chaos:

surfandwrite:

I officially give up on relationships.

I love him so much, and yet he found a way to twist things just so he could jump out. He used his insecurities and projected them to me. It is so difficult to breathe.

Breaking up is one thing. Being…

Not everyone can and will love like you can. People say things to hurt the other person when they feel weak or insecure. I’m sure it fucking hurts and I realise you don’t trust yourself. But you’re a talented, beautiful and strong individual and if someone cannot see that - or claims to have not seen that - do you really need that? No. You can love the fuck out of someone and that is beyond courageous. You need someone as strong as you. You will survive this. You will survive this because you are so much more than just flesh and bones. You are bravery and courage and hope - whatever the circumstances. Remember that

spilling-ink-into-chaos:

surfandwrite:

I officially give up on relationships.

I love him so much, and yet he found a way to twist things just so he could jump out. He used his insecurities and projected them to me. It is so difficult to breathe.

Breaking up is one thing. Being accused of doing the worst thing you know someone could…

Everyone has their issues and demons to deal with, sadly they only seem to come once you’re dealing with someone else. It’s not a reflection on you as much as it’s a reflection on him. You’re not unloveable - that is a fact. Perhaps it is just that you haven’t found the right person to love your imperfections. And maybe you haven’t found someone who is brave enough to deal and accept his own imperfections and faults which is why he might’ve projected them on you. But those are just my assumptions. And of course you’d know better. I do know that you’re not unloveable - not one bit xx

Thank you. I am reblogging the fuck out of anything positive that I read from now on. I don’t trust myself right now. How am I supposed to survive five fucking days alone in this apartment??? IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN CITY??? Even in times he didn’t sleep beside me, I rested knowing he was mine. That I could wake up and know he would be there. I can’t believe he just, OUT OF NOWHERE, shit on everything we had. Breaking up? Okay. But treating as if our fucking relationship and love for each other was NOTHING? I don’t know how to accept that. I never even got a proper goodbye. Which was his excuse in breaking up “personally”. Instead I got fucking kicked out.

I officially give up on relationships.

I love him so much, and yet he found a way to twist things just so he could jump out. He used his insecurities and projected them to me. It is so difficult to breathe.

Breaking up is one thing. Being accused of doing the worst thing you know someone could do to him, is even worse.

It’s like he shit on everything we had. Like it wasn’t real or true. Like none of it ever happened. JUST so he could get out of it the way he wanted to.

I am collateral damage.

Painted like a villain so he could ease his own guilt over the way he handled things.

And still, I love him. I LOVE HIM.

Am I so unloveable? Why do I always see the good in people who only see the bad in me? I hate my personality. No one can ever put up with me.

That’s what really scares me.

Falling in love is easy. Having sex is easier. But bumping into someone that can spark your soul - that shit is rare.

You could fuck four, five, all the people in a god damned room and you’d only feel a connection with one. Or none at all.

And what sucks is despite the undeniable real magnetic pull between the two of you, more often than not, you don’t end up together.

I’m afraid I won’t meet anyone else I can connect with.

I’m scared it’ll be just you.

- Sade Andria Zabala (surfandwrite) | Connection

(Source: surfandwrite, via surfandwrite)

I do not get left behind. I leave. I decide. I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve.

Excerpt from Fire-Breathing Engine by Sade Andria Zabala (surfandwrite)

One of my friends, julieartsy, made illustration art for my poems! 

You can buy my poetry book here:

Surf and Write

Anonymous said: You are an inspirational writer. Three words: vulnerability, chaos, lust

Thank you!

-

It is the brief five seconds when he lets go of your hand; the empty air on the nape of your neck when his lips are no longer caressing you. It is the feel of your stomach dropping to your knees when he walks away. It is the quick intake of your breath. It is confusing lonely for alone. Vulnerability.

It is the prickle on your tongue when you lick your lips and taste his sweat. It is pulling him closer and wishing you could melt into his chest when he is already beside you. It is inhaling his scent, his habits, his morning routines. It is itching for his skin when you are not touching. It is craving for his eyes when you are not looking. Lust.

It is the hurricane in your head when you have to unlearn him. It is the screaming of your own voice when you have to learn yourself. It is when you learn to be whole without needing him to be inside you. It is seeing the sunset and finally being able to breathe. It is your laughter bouncing off the walls; it is bass-drops boiling in your blood; it is loving him despite the odds; it is loving yourself in-spite of yourself. It is fireworks when you are together. It is fireworks when you are not. When you are fire and he is gasoline and there is no stopping the aftermath - Chaos.

Take me to your bedroom
take me to your fears
take me to your sleepless nights
take me to your tears

Take me to your mom’s kitchen
take me to your childhood lane
take me to your sisters’ toys
take me to your favorite train

Take me to your fantasies
take me to your nightmares
take me to your passions
take me to your prayers

Take me to your laughter
take me to your sighs
take me to your dad’s mistakes
take me to your fights

Take me to your hiding place
take me to your songs
take me to your best friend’s couch
take me to your wrongs

Take me to your stupid jokes
take me to your mind
take me to your failures
take me to your pride

Take me to your memories
however old or new;
Take me to your wedding day
to when I’ll say, "I do."

- Sade Andria Zabala (surfandwrite) | Take Me Home

(Source: surfandwrite)